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| See, I'm sitting here in the emergency room waiting area next to a woman with blood gushing out of a gash on her forehead, and a kid that keeps alternating between throwing up and passing out, and babies that keep screaming for no apparent reason, and then there is us; a family of about 6 waiting in an uncomfortable waiting room, racking our brains for resolutions for a girl who doesn't even care to live. There is no privacy here. In fact without actually having any conversation with these people I know all of their business, and they know all of mine. Then this girl walks in who is being just as loud, obnoxious, and obviously in pain as everyone else, and all of us resident guests get all annoyed and pissy by her lack of effort to keep her privacy. Now tell me, how messed up is that?! Sure she's cussing up a storm, and fighting with her boyfriend in front of us, but how are we any better? We're all just here invading everyone else's privacy and we get all offended when someone new comes along. When I realized the stupidity of this it kind of made me smile a little bit, and my sister's husband noticed and caught on and laughed too and then the guy that came with the bloody woman laughed too and then everyone (except the new girl and her soon to be ex bf) kind of lightened up and actually started talking to each other.
Anyway, long story short it made me realize that sometimes things really, really suck in life, and everything around you is absolutely, without a doubt negative, but if you can just take a step back from the immediate surroundings, put them into perspective, and learn to laugh or smile about them, it can actually be kind of beautiful. Sometimes you just have to laugh at the shittiest situations to realize that as impossible as they seem, they might actually be okay.
-brittany
tweet from last night; "Another attempt. Sitting in ER for hours. Ugly truthes. --& somehow we can all find a laugh here and there. You have to. Life is Beautiful."
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| it kills me to hear the way she talks to my sisters and see the way she treats them in comparison to the way she talks to and treats me. i hate this.
-brittany
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| this past weekend was absolutely amazing. i love him so much, and i have never felt more loved by anyone. he was a definite hit with family and friends that he hadn't met yet, either :) i am so excited about where this is going and where we are right now. i am so very much in love with Andy, i am rendered speechless.
-brittany
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| i'm always kind of weird about death. i guess everyone is. it is rarely anticipated, yet everyone expects it. and somehow every time, it feels like the first time all over again. i always feel selfish when someone around me dies, because i get down about it, and because it reminds me of other deaths that have affected me over the years. when a friend of mine loses someone close to them i always wish i knew just what to say-- and with the experience i've had, you'd think i would, but i never do. i retreat back into my shell and try to offer hem silent understanding and support. i don't know if this means that i just don't feel i can relate, that i'm still not over my own losses, or something entirely different. maybe it's because i was never really taught to mourn 'properly', but rather to move on with life instead. maybe it's because i've accepted that when someone important to you passes away, you will mourn the loss for the rest of your life, regardless of how you felt about that person at the time of their death. i'm really not sure. the funeral is this thursday, and i'm actually nervous as to how it will be for me, which again feels really selfish to me. i think this all comes back to me being afraid of appearing vulnerable or letting anyone into my shell. i don't know that i so much mind having the shell as i mind feeling obligated to come out of it from time to time... but then again, this 'shell' of mine causes problems for me in quite a few other places in my life. so maybe it's not the death that is the issue, maybe it's the defense mechanism at a time that it should be okay to let it down. either way, i've been holding back tears for days, and mostly from myself.
-brittany
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